There are people in my life that I feel so blessed to have been loved by, but there was something special about the love from my father.
He was a very strong man, physically, mentally, and emotionally. He came from a rough childhood filled with grief and sadness and even still he knew to how to love and care for the thing he loved the most... His family.
Until recently, I didn't know a lot about his family, but after researching via ancestry.com I was able to trace my father's family history back... way back.. back to Angola, Africa!
My father was born after the Great Depression into a family dynamic that was filled with turmoil. His mother was a widow by her first marriage at the age of 18. She had two small children from that marriage and then she remarried and at the age of 24 had my father. The illness, tuberculoses, destroyed my grandmothers family and when my dad was 7 years old his mother died from it and he was sent to live with his father's mother.
Like my father's mother's family, his father's family was not immune to turmoil either. He was one of 9 children of which only 4 lived to adulthood.
Both of my grandparents lived through the great depression and that "way of living" was passed on to my father.
I have to say that looking back on my childhood there are few things I would change. I was raised in a Christian home by two God fearing parents. They provided everything I needed, emphasis on NEEDED. I grew up in a home that oozed pride for our country, something that I am still very proud of.
My father was my rock and strength. He showed me how to be loved and cared for, something that I am eternally grateful for.
As I look back on the things I have written here it is hard for me to believe that it has been 7 years since my dad passed away. I can remember every moment of that day, August 1, 2003. Bryan and I were in Mobile, AL working M-Fuge. It was the last day of campers, we were preparing to leave the next day to return home, and I was out returning something to one of my sites and my mom called and said that Dad wasn't feeling well and was going to the hospital. Knowing what a strong man my dad was I didn't think much of at the time but as soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears. I think I realize now that at that moment God was preparing me for what I would hear only a matter of minutes later. I immediately called Bryan who was across campus and told him what mom had said. He came to our cottage and just held me and loved me, and cared for me just as my dad had always done. About an hour passed and Bryan called home to KY and the voice on the other end of the phone muttered the words that I never thought I would hear. I mean I had thought about what it might be like losing one of my parents, but never expected it to be something that would happened before they were grandparents. Even still, Bryan received that message and turned to me and said, "He didn't make it.." I didn't know what to do so I just let out a groan from the pit of my being and pounded my fist on the bed that I was laying across.. After that moment things became confusing. It was almost like I had to keep reminding myself that it had happened. My dad was gone... he died... even still it sounds strange to say. I immediately thought in that moment that Mom needed me. I had to get home which was 10 hours away so we started packing our belongings to head home. I can remember putting things away and then this feeling of exhaustion would come over me.. so much so that I would lay down and fall asleep.. right in the middle of the floor. I would then wake up and have to remember all over again that dad was gone, a cycle that would haunt me for months to come. It took us a day and a half to get home to Kentucky. We were greeted by family and friends ready to give us hugs. I remember wanting to talk about it but feeling like I had to be the "strong one" now. I showed emotion but only when I felt I could. Most of the time I could hold it together but when I was alone with Bryan I would feel so free and peaceful to just express how I felt and cry and scream if I needed to.. whatever I dished out Bryan could take.
The day of the funeral came and I remember arriving at the church to celebrate his life and being froze in the car... I remember saying, "I don't want to do this." I think now I just didn't know how to do it. How do you say goodbye to someone who gave you the strength to stand, someone that loved every breath you breathed, someone that literally would give his life for yours, someone that was the most earthly example of Gods unfailing love. So I decided I didn't have to say goodbye... I would see him again. This was not a "goodbye".. this was a celebration of who my dad was. This was the opportunity God had given me and my family to know just what my dad was. So I entered the church the first person I met was a guy my brother went to school with. He was Marine and said that he owed a lot of that life decision to my father and his character. I thanked him and felt over come with pride.
The casket was covered with the American Flag and standing at either end was a Marine and a Police Officer, the two things that made my dad who he was. We started receiving people and I started to realize what this day was all about. Story after story of how these people knew my dad and what he meant to them or how his words or actions changed their life. Everyone from long time family friends to people dad had arrested to people dad coached in football to students of the high school dad was the resource officer for. With all the floods of people came so many stories.. stories that I would have never heard, people that I would have never met. As we walked out of the church behind the casket to go to the cemetery I remember feeling blessed amongst the sadness that still lingered. As we drove I tried to processes everything that I had been told. Bryan shared with me some of things people told him.. it was a really sweet moment. We turned the corner to the cemetery that was just down the road and to the left there were two men standing at the new memorial under flags that were being flown half mast saluting as we drove by.. an image that will stay with me forever.
Dad was buried with full honors, gun salute and all. It was a wonderful way to honor my dads life.. I know he would have been proud!
The first year after dads death was the absolute hardest. Two weeks after the funeral Bryan and I moved to Louisville, KY to start our life together. We thought this was close enough to my family but still where we needed to be. We celebrated our 1st anniversary, started new jobs, became a full time seminary couple, and officially lived on our own. WOW was this a wake up call.. I remember existing, but not really living. Those first 6 months were some of the darkest moments of my life. It didn't take long to realize that I was having a hard time with all the new things in my life and trying to process them after such a traumatic life experience all at the same time.. God placed my dear friend Cheri in my life right at the right time. She would sit in the break room at work with me and just listen to me tell her about all the things that were plaguing my brain. The way I was feeling, that sadness that was so deep and hurtful, the guilt I felt for feeling that way because I knew God and knew that my dad was with God yet it hurt so bad. She was my therapy. I then would go home and wait for Bryan and when he would arrive I would be in bed... with my eyes closed, not asleep, just eyes closed. He would come in and sweetly kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me and ask if there was anything he could do for me. I would just say, "no and I love you too". Deep down I remember wishing there was something he could do. Some way he could take all the hurt away and just let me be the wife I wanted to be and knew God had created me to be, but God had other plans. I had to go through these moments to fully understand what God had planned for me.
In the midst of all the sadness, hurt, helplessness, despair, and a tons of other feelings God was doing some serious work in my life. I sought counseling to help me process all of my feelings and in that I caught a glimpse of why God took dad. As I stated earlier, my dad was my rock and strength.. all things that are great to have in a father daughter relationship, yet it hindered my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I relied on my dad to to help me, to figure things out for me, to get me out of hard times. He was who put my trust in.. I knew that no matter what I did, even things that hurt him he would always love me and welcome me back with open arms, no questions asked. Even though this was a great example for any child it stopped there.. it did not filter over to my relationship with my Lord and Savior.
I remember being on the phone with my mom or sister talking about how we were feeling, or how we got threw that day and it just hit me. God made my dad's life a living example of what true unfailing love is. A living example of what God did for me when he gave His Son's life to save mine. I never realized before but I when I was in a time of trouble I would go to my dad when I should have been going to God. I always said that dad would give his life for one of his children and in this tragic event in my life he did.. I know that God had and has amazing things planned for my life. Things that would not have happened had God allowed my dad to stay with us here. It was by God taking my dad, at the exact moment he did, that we are all were we are.
I still feel sad from time to time when I miss my dad.. but it is a sadness that is quickly relieved by the comfort of knowing that we are going to see one another again.. It is relieved by knowing that there is greater purpose for his death, one that involves God's call on my life. A life that now allows me to fully be the women God created me to be.
As sad as I feel when the anniversary of my dad's death approaches each year, I still know that it was just all part of God's great plan. When I think about the song Chris Tomlin sings, "God of this City" I am reminded of that... Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this City.... I am thrilled to be a part of that!
I love you Dad...
